sometimes it just hurts
I have a lot of pain some times. Pain in my body, pain that creeps up from my past and catches me by surprise. Sometimes I know why I hurt, but much of the time I feel hijacked. I don’t want to be dysfunctional, I don’t want to feel broken. I don’t want to think about feeding myself and want to cry, or to feel crushed by the weight of my social engagements. They are supposed to be pleasures, but they hurt, and then I hurt because I am failing.
I am working on the tried-and-true tactic of faking a passably good mood until this blows over, but that hurts too.
I don’t want to be bad at everything, and my smart brain knows that I am not, but that’s the thing, isn’t it? All that sad, all that hurt, they’re not functions of my smart brain, and solving them is not entirely within my smart brain’s power. And that doesn’t help either. feeling powerless against myself may be the worst part.
