Things My Husband Says

He’s on the bed, working on the laptop. I’m on the bed, seriously contemplating taking a nap. We’re discussing the inevitable trip to the cell phone store that I’m going to have to make.

Him: You could probably order one online and pick it up in the store. Or do you want to hold it in your hand?
Me: You know me, I would rather hold it in my hand.
Him: Oh hey, speaking of holding it in your hand, will you run an errand for me?
Me: (with some trepidation) Sure. What’s the errand?
Him: Will you find my phone? (in our tiny apartment)
Me: sigh. Okay, sure. (I wander into the other room) Where did you leave it?
Him: It’s in my pocket.

And Scene.

I just overheard another (my fifth today?) commercial for a rapid-response home pregnancy test, the one that tells you 6 days before your expected period whether or not you’re pregnant. As a sexually active woman, I understand the desire that drives that product market, but there’s also part of it that really irks me. I think the thing about it is the catchphrase, something like, ‘because you deserve to know.’ I don’t know, it’ll come on again before I finish this post. Oh, there it is!! “Because when you don’t know, one day is a lifetime.” Seriously.

Here’s the thing: no, actually, knowing the second that you conceive is not a right. Sure, it’s a privilege, but absolutely not a right. We live in a country that has developed a ridiculous obsession with fertility and babies, and that makes me unduly annoyed. I’m going to take this opportunity to yell at the ‘impatient and trying crowd.’ (This rant does not apply to the ‘oh crap, what if’ crowd.) If you can’t wait ONE fucking day to know whether you’re pregnant, I would strongly encourage you to examine your motives and feelings about the baby thing. I know, it’s nerve-wracking, but you’re (presumably) an adult, and now is a good time to learn some self-restraint.

I’m not going to direct any rant at the ‘oh crap, what if’ crowd. That situation sucks, and having been there, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I feel for you, and wish there were better options out there, so that this wasn’t where you needed to turn.

I know it’s hard to wait to know anything, and with the issue of pregnancy it can be especially hard. So often, we have very strong emotions very deeply invested in the question of yes or no. When those days are spent worrying about the possibility of an unintended pregnancy, there can be a huge amount of fear. On the other hand, waiting to find out whether you’ve succeeded at becoming pregnant is generally a hopeful time, but it has a dark edge to it. Due to increases in the sensitivity of technology, the prevalence of miscarriage has greatly increased in the last half century. I don’t have the exact statistics for the 1960s (blogging on the fly!), but current statistics indicate that 25% of pregnancies miscarry before 6 weeks LMP. Isn’t it heartbreaking enough to spend two weeks (6 weeks LMP – 4 week menstrual cycle = 2 weeks) growing attached, only to have it taken away? I don’t see any value in increasing the amount of time, and therefore intensity, that we choose to spend on that.

A little uncertainty is a normal and important part of life. Personally, I believe it makes us more resilient. Literally thousands of generations of women have managed to wait out the relatively short period of time it takes to discover whether a period is coming or not. Yeah, it’s stressful, but it’s also a totally normal part of adult female life. Take a deep breath, and a walk, and deal.

I was finally going to write my long-planned post about the greatest/worst thing on television, LOST! But I’m not really ready yet – I’m a couple episodes from the end of Season 5, though I am up-to-date on the current season. Instead, I’m going to talk about another show I love, and never watch as often as I would like.

People, you should be watching Down Home With the Neely’s. Um, omg, they are adorable. Yes, at its heart it’s just another cooking show, but I love them so much. A couple weeks ago my mom and I watched an episode where their moms were coming over, and they each made iconic “Mom” dishes. So cute!! And today I learned that they have two daughters, one of whom is in college, and the other one appears to be a high schooler. They made sloppy joes for the one who’s away, and the younger one is making cookies with her mom.

I particularly appreciate the fact that this isn’t a show that’s really designed to teach you anything about cooking. They assume you know don’t need your hand held through comfort food. The real star of the show is Pat & Gina’s banter. They’ve been cooking together a long time, and have a great affectionate, quick-fire banter. Also, I want to eat everything they cook, except for sloppy joes.

For a while now, Sexy Husband and I have been formulating a project that’s sure to make us infamous among our friends for years to come. Today we learned that his comedy stylings have gotten us an in with an awesome crowd-sourced funding site. If it goes the way I see it, it’ll be like the Neely’s with way more booze.

Apparently now on my non-Husband weekends, I watch TV and make comparisons to the lovely man. I used to live with a couple people who were pop culture sponges. We could have entire conversations made of nothing but one-liners from shows we all watched. Now my best recourse is to make the best ones blog titles.

Just now I’m watching a rerun of Bones. I really have no idea how he feels about it. I don’t think he’s a fan of procedurals in general. I freaking love Bones. It’s unabashedly gross, and unafraid to jump right into communities that are likely to make mainstream America squirm – the a-mazing pony episode? omg! And this week’s episode was about feeders and eaters. It makes my heart pitter-patter with delight. I also have a significant weakness for the socially-awkward woman/ social-master man pairing. It gives me hope.

It also makes me think of the TV characters that I love best. We’ve already discussed my Shawn + Gus = Sexy Husband jackpot. When it comes to Bones, I have a special soft spot for Dr. Lance Sweets. Were I several years older, I would get all cougar on his cub. Mraow. In addition to his adorableness, I think that in his position as Bones and Booth’s team counselor, he’s an excellent foil for exploring the depth of their relationship, without resorting to the cop-out of letting them have at it with one another.

(timeout, bones just bought booth a lap dance. i love it so much)

Due to Adult Swim’s acquisition of King of the Hill, I have recently rediscovered another of my TV loves, Sra. Mrs. Peggy Hill. The culottes! The square glasses! The mercilessness! The Rollerderby! I especially love the time when she pretends to be a nun to get a full-time teaching job. Having come from a small town, she’s a character who’s all too real – the sense of self-importance, the worldly desires hindered by the her lack of opportunities and abilities to pursue them. I get to love her because she’s on TV, and not interfering with my daily life. My favorite secondary KotH character is Lucky, who is, of course, voiced by Tom Petty.

And finally, let’s take a moment for Metalocalypse, which is generally better than one might imagine, given its premise (metal band is 12th largest economy in the world). In any episode, there’s a character who’s clearly the focus, and who I love best for that moment. But in the long run, my love all belongs to Toki. I know you’re probably thinking that it’s Pickles, but no, Toki! Despite (or maybe because of) his frequently child-like nature, he acts as the band’s moral center. If DethKlok were the pack from Julie of the Wolves, Toki would be Jello. He’s their omega, the bringer of fun for the sake of fun, and wisdom where it’s least expected.

I find that the Sexy Husband is also often a source of unexpected wisdom, or at least unexpected insight. He’s no Sra. Mrs. Peggy Hill, but I think I’ll keep him.

Sexy Husband loves Psych. I also love Psych, but the ways that he and I love it are a little different.

I love Psych because it’s got Corbin Bernsen and Timothy Omundson. I love it because Dulé Hill is the best straight man evar. I love that the chief was pregnant and no mention was made of it. I love that both its adorable leading men use their middle name as part of their professional identity – (Karim) Dulé Hill and James Roday (Rodriguez). I heart.

And, actually, the reason that I love it most is really the same reason that Sexy Husband loves it, except that I didn’t realize it until recently.

“You know what I love about this show?”

“Um, the fantastical plotlines? Lassie’s scowl? Gus’s wardrobe and car and a capella group past? The guest stars?!”

“Yes. All of those things. But mostly? I love that Shawn and Gus are both me.”

That’s right. Shawn + Gus = Sexy Husband. Hells yes. I am a very lucky lady, especially when his tendencies are more Gus-ward than Shawn-ward.