Things My Husband Says

So, big developments this week in the Sexy/Trophy household. Actually, the household is the development; the long-distance love will soon be at an end, replaced by living in sin. More accurately, we’ll be living in awkward, cramped quarters: four adults, two dogs, two bedrooms, one bathroom. But whatever! Cohabitation, hurray!

I have, for the most part, really enjoyed my time in my parents’ basement these last few months. I needed some space to breathe and clear my head, and my family is really excellent for that. As I’m embarking on this adventure of married life, it’s been really good for me to spend some time with the folks whose marriage has been my best example: built of love and shared desires, maintained by cooperation, patience, humor, and thinly-veiled innuendo (ok, more often it’s making out in the kitchen, but you see my point). I know they’re glad see me leave the basement, and I’m glad to go, but I have been very lucky to be there.

So, on to the next stage: house-wifing in the house crowded apartment of my Sexy Husband. Today we talked about it, and he said, “it’ll be nice not to have to worry about getting home to walk the dog. She’s going to like having you here.”
I said, “I’m all about walking the dog. It’s going to be my primary housewife objective: make the dog love me more.”
“It would also be okay with me if you made me sandwiches.”
“Of course I’ll make you sandwiches. Sandwiches like you’ve never seen!”
“That’s the plan! I’ll make the money, you make the sandwiches.”*
“Yeah!”

*I should probably write a longer disclaimer post, but in short: no, this isn’t our long-term plan.

This post is a little belated, but I think it’s better late than never.

Back before Christmas, someone came to this blog via the search term “longdistance christmas message for husband.” Another hit came from “sexy things to say to my husband.” First of all, I’d like to say, OMG! Second, I have a two-in-one solution solution for you:

Sexting for Grownups.

Now, in the age of Tiger Woods and Rhianna and Kwame Kilpatrick and basically every Teen Disney starlet, of course I recommend that you use your discretion when following this advice. Remember that we live in the digital age, and nothing goes away. Nobody wants to see their private parts on Judge Judy. But I think we can all agree that the brain is the biggest erogenous zone, and I, along with Sexy Husband, am a huge advocate of flirting within your established relationship. (And everywhere. Keep your skills sharp!).

Obviously, the things that fuel the fire between a Trophy Wife and a Sexy Husband are not necessarily the things that fuel your fire. But that’s the beauty of the world, isn’t it? I could tell you something specific to say to your husband that might be ‘sexy,’ but he’s your husband, not mine. You know how best to flirt with him, and I encourage you to do so!

Here’s something unusual for this blog: an actual conversation with Sexy Husband!

SH: I just think it’s funny to be the guy who walks up to the fishbowl full of condoms and starts stuffing my pockets.

TW: Yeah, you would think that.

SH: I just think me doing anything a teenager would typically do is funny. Revving my engine at stoplights, needlessly stealing condoms, picking up high school girls…

TW: Oh, gross, tell me you don’t actually do that!

SH: Rev my engine? Yeah, but since I’m on the Vespa, nobody really knows but me.

TW: No, the high schoolers.

SH: No, I’m coming to the point when I don’t even like college girls, unless they’re grad students.

TW: Aw, you’re getting old! That warms my heart.

SH: You’re mean. (This is at least the third time this week he’s said this to me. It’s apparently a big part of the appeal.)

TW: Oh, I like that you’re a grown up.

SH: You’ll also be glad to know that I think you’re way hotter now than you were ten years ago.

He was right. This did make me very happy.

Apparently now on my non-Husband weekends, I watch TV and make comparisons to the lovely man. I used to live with a couple people who were pop culture sponges. We could have entire conversations made of nothing but one-liners from shows we all watched. Now my best recourse is to make the best ones blog titles.

Just now I’m watching a rerun of Bones. I really have no idea how he feels about it. I don’t think he’s a fan of procedurals in general. I freaking love Bones. It’s unabashedly gross, and unafraid to jump right into communities that are likely to make mainstream America squirm – the a-mazing pony episode? omg! And this week’s episode was about feeders and eaters. It makes my heart pitter-patter with delight. I also have a significant weakness for the socially-awkward woman/ social-master man pairing. It gives me hope.

It also makes me think of the TV characters that I love best. We’ve already discussed my Shawn + Gus = Sexy Husband jackpot. When it comes to Bones, I have a special soft spot for Dr. Lance Sweets. Were I several years older, I would get all cougar on his cub. Mraow. In addition to his adorableness, I think that in his position as Bones and Booth’s team counselor, he’s an excellent foil for exploring the depth of their relationship, without resorting to the cop-out of letting them have at it with one another.

(timeout, bones just bought booth a lap dance. i love it so much)

Due to Adult Swim’s acquisition of King of the Hill, I have recently rediscovered another of my TV loves, Sra. Mrs. Peggy Hill. The culottes! The square glasses! The mercilessness! The Rollerderby! I especially love the time when she pretends to be a nun to get a full-time teaching job. Having come from a small town, she’s a character who’s all too real – the sense of self-importance, the worldly desires hindered by the her lack of opportunities and abilities to pursue them. I get to love her because she’s on TV, and not interfering with my daily life. My favorite secondary KotH character is Lucky, who is, of course, voiced by Tom Petty.

And finally, let’s take a moment for Metalocalypse, which is generally better than one might imagine, given its premise (metal band is 12th largest economy in the world). In any episode, there’s a character who’s clearly the focus, and who I love best for that moment. But in the long run, my love all belongs to Toki. I know you’re probably thinking that it’s Pickles, but no, Toki! Despite (or maybe because of) his frequently child-like nature, he acts as the band’s moral center. If DethKlok were the pack from Julie of the Wolves, Toki would be Jello. He’s their omega, the bringer of fun for the sake of fun, and wisdom where it’s least expected.

I find that the Sexy Husband is also often a source of unexpected wisdom, or at least unexpected insight. He’s no Sra. Mrs. Peggy Hill, but I think I’ll keep him.

More than once I’ve checked my voicemail to discover that the message he’s left me is just throaty chuckling and sweet nothings. I delete them when my phone makes me, and never before.

The long-distance nature of my engagement to Sexy Husband means that we spend a lot of time on the phone. Not as much time as my parents spend when they’re apart, but still, a lot. Talking on the phone is not something that either of us particularly enjoys, and at least one of us has been known to go to ridiculous lengths to avoid making (social) calls.

One of the beautiful things about SH, though, is his seriousness about our relationship. Early on, I told him that I needed him to call me sometimes. When I related that conversation to my dad, he said, “you really do like him! You gave him part of the secret code!” (This was apparently the point where my dad knew that this was serious. My mom says knew when she found out I rode on his Vespa.)

This morning he called to update me on the escalating crappiness of his landlord, a situation that promises only to get worse. I hate how much it sucks, and how mad it makes him, but I love that he calls me about it.

This afternoon he called to tell me about a meeting he had, in which he clearly flexed the big sexy brain in ways that make him both very happy and very productive. I’m a little floored at how profoundly happy it makes me when he calls with his success, and calls it our success. I have an amazing team.

(also amazing? he ended yesterday’s phone call by telling my that the dog said, ‘high five!’ and telling me to make the cat high five me. holy crap do I love him.)